Long ago, the nascent Sea Kittens, fresh from the redd, observed a small number of opponents trying to issue “red light” commands to batters in certain pitch counts- that is, “don’t swing the bat, make the pitcher throw a strike,” with the underlying pretext being “we/ you’re better off trying to walk than trying to get a hit.” Often- always- the batter in question was a woman. The Sea Kittens adopted a counter-measure as one of the team’s core values:
“We all pay good money to swing the f’in bat.” -The Sea Kitten Way
That’s not to say a player can’t employ a discerning eye as part of their hitting strategy and take walks in the Name of the Sea Kittens and enjoy the limited physical risk and exertion that comes with strolling to first base on a sweltering July night, but no one in the organization shall ever question a player’s choice to hack at whatever pitch they damn well please. Raised eyebrows and semi-muffled guffaws are tolerated, especially if it’s Jonny Jon Jon Hansen Shabbidu, Jr. attacking a ball three feet above his head like it’s a deranged crow swooping to pluck his eyes.
With annual registration fees for summer and fall softball totaling more than $80, every player is paying more than $1.00 for each turn they take at the plate. It’s a fair question to ask, “would you hand your hard-earned money to the carnival barker and then choose to not even try to win the goldfish?” Unless, perhaps, one just wants to pocket three ping pong balls for a later game of beer pong.
But a few hitters have taken the Art of War upon softballs to an almost transcendental level, determined to get their money’s worth. Of all the people who have played 20 or more games for the Kits, Jami “Roadrunner” Hauer, Jessica Schultzy Oele, and Katherine “Sunshine” Curtis have proven themselves least likely to stand idly through an at-bat with the club resting lazily upon her shoulder. Collectively, they are the Sea Kittens’ Sisters of No Mercy.
The Roadrunner is third on the list, with six walks in 219 plate appearances. Maybe her stature causes opponents to foolishly take her hitting prowess lightly, or maybe she just decided “screw it.” Hauer took all 6 of her career walks within her first 98 Sea Kitten plate appearances, and then she started swinging. She has not taken a base on balls since May 15, 2019 and has gone a team-record 121 consecutive at-bats without walking. She’s also started smacking extra-base hits in that span. In 2021, her fiancé, Alex Latzka – the Polish Puma – tied Hauer’s career total- in a single summer season. On her approach at the plate Hauer offered,
“If it’s within three feet of the plate it looks like a strike to me, and ‘Roadwalker’ doesn’t have the same ring to it, anyway.” -Jami Hauer, The Roadrunner
By day, Sunshine Curtis adopts place-based theoretical frameworks and employs advanced spatial and spatio-temporal statistical approaches to analyze questions about inequality; she is a sorceress of sociology in a mighty tower. But as the Sunshine sets in summer, she rides from the tower upon horseback- no demure English-style equestrian but a bright blazing star of the American West, untamed and unrestrained, wielding a softball bat as a hammer to destroy the forces of injustice as embodied by a softball. Curtis has walked seven times in her 10-year Sea Kitten career, covering 261 plate appearances. After a retreat in 2018 she spent a season practicing restraint, walking thrice in 38 trips to the plate, but found no joy in non-action. “It’s that, or a lack of impulse control,” Curtis said in a recent interview. She last walked July 17, 2019 and has gone 70 at-bats without taking- or giving- a free pass since.
For all the free-swinging of Hauer and Curtis, one of their sisters takes the approach to another level: Schultzy Oele, who has walked at a rate of but once per 41.2 plate appearances- six times in 247 trips to the batters’ box. Trained as a volleyball player, perhaps Oele finds the impulse to prevent any ball that’s close from hitting the ground ingrained. It matters not: she holds the second-highest career batting average (0.413) among all Sea Kitten women. Notice to opponents’ servers: you’re not getting that 25-mph junk past her. Oele sat out the 2021 season with a uterine parasite that then fed externally, but last walked August 23, 2017, a span covering 27 games and 92 at-bats. She’s walked twice in her last 204 plate appearances after accepting four free passes in the first 43 of her softball career.
The Great Philosopher Hank Hill once advised his son Robert, “son, you can’t get on base if you don’t swing the bat!” Young Bobby replied, “But dad, I could walk…” But his father swiftly admonished him, ‘Don’t play Lawyer Ball, son!!!”
These three legendary Sea Kitten women have action at the core of their nature, disdain for lawyer-ball, and no time for patience at the plate. Their approach may appear to lack discernment, but in actuality is far from that: it is living life and swinging the bat sans pitié ni remords– without pity or regret.
Bonus: Watch the SNM reap the rewards of swinging the f’in bat
The data
| PLAYER | PA | BB | Rate (PA/BB) |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1. Schultzy Oele | 247 | 6 | 41.2 |
| 2. Sunshine Curtis | 261 | 7 | 37.3 |
| 3. Roadrunner Hauer | 219 | 6 | 36.5 |
| 4. Boom Boom Magyera | 319 | 12 | 33.3 |
| 5. Clutch Younger | 132 | 4 | 33.0 |
| Sea Kittens all-time | 7,162 | 398 | 18.0 |
| 21. Puma Latzka | 225 | 18 | 12.5 |
| 22. Dan DynamOele | 390 | 32* | 12.2 |
| 23. Heidibadger Nelson | 351 | 31 | 11.3 |
| 24. Kristen KJ Johnson | 217 | 28 | 7.8 |
| 25. Boomer Boehm | 120 | 16 | 7.5 |